Peeing

I used to think of going to the bathroom as a chore -something to get me off the couch, a reason to miss a minute of my favorite show.
Now that I have two small children, I realize that peeing is a luxury, something opportunistic, even earned through collective bargaining with my wife. I have come to feel that a semi full bladder is a normal state of being, and when I do get the chance to empty it, my emasculation as a man is fully complete: I have to sit down to pee. For what other means do I have to pent a small hand from reaching into my stream of pee or even from stirring the yellowed water in the toilet bowl?

Crying triggers

Crack open the door to grab the mail, and two small children see the sweltering outside yard and immediately want to go out. When the 'request' is denied by already over-heated parents, the bawling ensues.

A suggestion that my daughters hair is brushed before she goes to school = 30 minutes of wailing and first-class sobbing.

My Son Speaks!

Mmmmbop! Mmmmbop! Uhhhhhhhhppp! Uhhhhhhhhp! Guck! Guck! = I dropped my pacifier, and can you pick me up please, and there's my sock!

Seating

We do not live in a minimalist household. I hate to use the word "cluttered" or even "abundantly-sprinkled-with discarded-toys-and large-lumps-of-colourful-plastic," but the truth is, we have lots of stuff. So, even though there are two sofas, two bean bags, an armchair, a rocking chair, and a child's armchair all in the same room, it is confounding that my two tiny children both always want to sit in the same place at the same time.

First, it's the pink bean bag: one child sits on it, then very soon after, the other launches herself upon it, landing on her brother's head or shoulder. Thus begins a game of smothering, smushing, shoving and eventually limb pulling. If we are really lucky, we might get a little kicking for good measure before the screaming begins.

The reset button is then pressed: children are separated by a parent, and one is placed on another seating area. Sometimes this works; other times this becomes the seating object of desire and the cycle begins again.

And it the same with sitting in laps. There are two children and two adults with perfectly useablelaps. The math here should be simple. Apparently not: only one lap at any time is the seating choice of both kiddies, and no, it is NOT OK to have just half a lap.